Mayday

No, not like that.

May Day, the first of May.

The Pirates set sail in their inaugural season in high spirits, with vast treasures to acquire and new lands to plunder. The “defense first” strategy was tempered only by the introduction of several staple players into entirely new positions.

For much of the month, the ball player’s unfamiliarity with their positions led to some obvious blunders and simple learning-curve mistakes. But with so many solid defenders on the roster, the natural talent quickly reappeared.

Honus Wagner, the Flying Dutchman, worked the leather at his new home on Third Base. Ron Hansen started the season at short, while second base was shared between Geronimo Pena and Kazuo Matsui. Paul Dejong settled in (somewhat uncomfortably) at first, unhappy to be shifted from his previous spot at SS in AAA.

Behind the plate was Christian Vazquez and his backup, Grayson Greiner. The outfield is anchored by the solid glove of Coco Crisp, with Edman in Left and Zimmer in Right.

Midway through the month, management acquired Joe Mauer, an experienced 1B, to back up and help train Dejong. The two worked out together every day, and Paul is to showing substantial defensive improvement.

Slowly, as the team shook off the rust, the Pirates battled their way out of the basement and powered up the standings. On the last day of the month, Lincoln Park took over the division lead and the benefits of defense begins to be more apparent.

On the first day of May, the management goes all-in on their commitment to the defensive long-term future of this team, acquiring two more top flight prospects from their AAA affiliate. We are pleased to announce the addition of RF Ichiro Suzuki and SS Ozzie Smith, two more outstanding defensive prospects!

But that’s not all, we’ve also added the arm of rookie Shane Bieber to anchor our starting rotation!

What this means to the (several) other outstanding shortstops and 2B already on the team, and who will be shifting to what positions for the future, is all part of the Captain’s secret “plunder maximization strategy.”

Only this is certain: there is never a dull moment at the Lincoln Towing Service!

Hoist the black flag, men. It’s time to slit some throats!